A Friend’s Journey

by Katherine Alford
Morningside Meeting

It was four days before our son, who is transgender, was to have gender affirming surgery, and my insurance company, Aetna, informed me that it would not be covered. This was a shock, as I lived and worked in New York, where such discrimination is illegal —but because the health insurance policy of the company I worked for, Scripps Networks, had been written in Texas, this could happen. 

I called the insurance hot line and thankfully there was a sympathetic and caring person on the end of the line. She coached me on how to ask the company to make an exception for this one case. I called the Corporate Human Resources office in Tennessee.  I didn’t rant or rage — although I wanted to. My Quaker faith grounded me; I was calm, respectful but persistent. I spoke my family’s truth: this was about our son’s health and wellbeing. Like so many mothers throughout time I discovered a formidable strength to protect my child. My advocacy came from love. 

The woman from HR listened, she was kind but held the company line. She said she would get back to me. I didn’t have much hope that this would change. But there was no turning back; we would have to pay the $40,000 bill.

My son taught me how to be a parent to a trans child. It was not easy. I was hobbled by gender binary concepts that kept me stuck. I made mistakes and learned from them. As a feminist, being the parent of a daughter had been part of my identity. But we never really clicked on typical mother-daughter things. In hindsight, I get it. He was always gender nonconforming. We didn’t have that language, but it was true.

I completely embrace our son’s gender identity, but it took time. He was in college when he began his transition. When he first started taking hormones, I was terribly anxious. How would he change? When he came home, would I recognize him?

I told him of my fears. “I’m scared that you’re going to be different,” I said.

“I’m not different,” he said. “This is who I’ve always been. I just now know who I am.” That stopped me in my tracks. During transition, we bonded in ways we had never been able to before. WE transitioned and opened as a family. 

When he was hassled on the subway, I worried about his safety.

But my son is incredibly brave. “Are you sure you want to transition?” I asked him.

He was really clear. “If you can’t be with me,” he said, “I am still going to do this.” I am awed by his honesty and grateful to him. I am a better human, being his mother.

This is a scary time for families like ours. A legion of hateful right-wing legislators wants to marginalize us for political gain. There are over 530 anti LGBT+ plus bills across the country right now. And the trans community continues to be a pawn in political hate speech from presidential, congressional and school board candidates. 

When gender non-conforming adults, children and families are demonized it diminishes us all. Is there one way to be female or male? Being bound by a rigid gender binary dims the Light in all of us. Gender is not fixed or monolithic. This diversity is our human strength; a chorus of voices lifts us all up. 

Transgender and gender nonconforming children are at risk of violent abuse and suicide when parents and communities aren’t supportive. When we went with our son to see the surgeon, the first thing the doctor said was “It makes such a difference when the family’s here.” Being supported by families, he told us, is key to successful treatment. 

We in our yearly meeting may think we are protected from this viciousness. But this is our problem, too, if an employer can deny health benefits in New York because its insurance policy was written in Texas. Or deny access to books, limit what can be taught in schools and hinder equal protection under the law. 

On the day before the surgery, I called my company again one last time. This time they told me that they had decided to cover the cost — and not just as an exception but as a change in the company-wide policy. I have never felt prouder of my son, who is helping to change the world. This was in 2018; I wonder if they would make the same decision today? 

NYYM’s Love thy Neighbor Minute in support of transgender, nonbinary, and gender nonconforming people is true to our testimonies of equality and community and our foundational belief in the Light in everyone. We can and should be powerful allies. Transgender and gender nonconforming people deserve our unconditional love, acceptance and protection. We are all better for it. An expanded understanding of gender is consistent with Friends' belief in continuing revelation.