On Respecting Another’s Gender Identity

by Lu Harper
Rochester Meeting

Quite a few years ago, a friend came to our house to have a conversation with my husband and me, sharing with us their understanding of themselves as a gender non-binary person. Their mother held space for the conversation around the kitchen table.

I was deeply moved that my friend cared enough about their relationship with us to disclose their understanding of their gender identity, and to ask for our support. They shared their preferred pronouns and we talked about the practical difficulties of switching from the pronouns we had used for them for all the previous years we had known them, and how to make corrections when we messed up from habit. They suggested that if we stuck to speaking of them by their name rather than using pronouns, unintentional misgendering would not occur. And they asked us, if we unintentionally used the wrong pronouns, to apologize, and to restate our words using the correct pronouns. All of this was said lovingly, knowing that the information was new to us, and that changing habitual ways of thinking and speaking about someone requires intention and work.  More importantly, we were being asked to continue to lovingly support our friend in their new understanding of themselves.

I still mess up, with this friend, and with others. I am grateful when someone lovingly reminds me that I have used the wrong pronouns, as it gives me the opportunity to correct myself, and to reinforce my mental pathways around the gender of this individual and my intention to lovingly support them.

In Quaker spaces, we currently create opportunities for Friends to share the pronouns that reflect their gender identity, for example, in our zoom windows or self-introductions. This is an opportunity for all of us to consider our understanding of the diversity of gender identity, and to hear the implicit request for Friends to respect each individual.

Early Friends also used pronouns in ways that were non-normative and disruptive of societal expectations. They refused to use the formal You to individuals, since when used with individuals it implied a hierarchy of worth rather than the equality before God that Friends testified to. Powerful 17th-century authorities found being addressed as “thee” challenging. So too, cisgender people today may find the use of neutral pronouns equally disconcerting and challenging. 

Non-normative pronouns call into question binary understandings of gender which, for many of us, were inculcated, and thus normalized, in our childhood. It can be hard work to notice and change these long-time patterns of thinking and language use. We have choices.

Sometimes, when invited to share pronouns, Friends respond by making unlikely statements such as “I don’t use pronouns,” or by substituting non-pronoun words or phrases in referring to ourselves. Other Friends raise grammatical issues, telling others how to correctly use pronouns for individuals and groups. I wonder whether these are expressions of discomfort, or whether those Friends are inviting us to not use pronouns at all, or to only use the named words and phrases in referring to them. Have we given a thought to how responses such as these might be experienced by those whose preferred pronouns are seen as non-normative? If we experience discomfort with another’s pronoun choices, how might they feel to have their preferences ignored or criticized? Might we instead make an opportunity to openly explore the roots of our discomfort, so that we may be opened to new understandings and move more deeply into supportive, loving relationship? Will we respect the identity of our beloved Friends? 

Although early Friends’ use of “thee” and “thou” to all resulted in assaults and prosecutions, it was a witness intentionally maintained by the body of Friends. Just as early Friends were persecuted in the 17th-century for their pronoun use, gender non-binary people increasingly are being persecuted today for living into their full gender identity. If we understand everyone as a child of God, living into authenticity and into the wild diversity of creation, perhaps we can step into deeper understanding of gender identity as a witness to equality, an invitation into new possibilities and understandings, and a call into loving relationship in community.