Visible Queerness

by Cai Quirk
Ithaca Meeting

Content Warning: bullying and assault

I came out as transgender over twelve years ago, and as genderfluid/genderqueer since then. This whole journey has been a spiritual one, discerning where Spirit is leading every step of the way. Some people have wondered if I am queer simply to get attention, if I try to be weird so that people see me, if being so visible stokes my ego. I am trans because Spirit leads me here. Other trans people may have other and perhaps secular words to describe their transness, but for me my gender is inextricably linked with my commitment to follow Spirit. Will being visibly and vocally trans bring more visibility and attention? Perhaps, but it is Spirit I'm seeking, not the attention. The attention may come as a result of society not being fully welcoming to trans folks, but in another time and community where a variety of genders are welcome, Spirit could lead me in the same ways and it wouldn't seem out of the ordinary. I don't have a choice in being trans/genderfluid, I have a choice to be faithful or not in following how Spirit made me.

If this was a choice I was pursuing to seek attention in this society, whether now or twelve years ago when I came out, I would have chosen something more conventionally likable. I would not have chosen something that got me bullied and harassed in school and on the streets, I wouldn't have chosen something that got me assaulted eight times, I wouldn't have tried to hide being trans for years, I wouldn't have created art where I would have to wonder if I was risking my life to show it to the world. I wouldn't have wished desperately to be ‘normal,’ though thankfully I'm more healed from that denial of Spirit and self now. I don't do unconventional things or have less common identities because I'm trying to be weird, I am this way because I'm willing to be faithful even when the things I'm led to are not conventional. Being faithful is more important to me than being normal.