An Invitation to Explore Gender

by Anne Pomeroy
New Paltz Meeting

On our spiritual journey, we deepen our sense of who we are which can include deepening our sense of our gender identity. As a spiritual community that affirms that all are welcome we are called to see the Divine in all gender identities and expressions. 

How do you see your gender? What have been your experiences around gender? Do you have clarity or do questions arise? I invite you to do a self inventory. 

Each of us is on a journey around gender. Some of us identify with the gender that we were assigned at birth. Others of us struggle with a lack of congruity between our assigned gender and what our true gender identity is. 

Think about others’ gender identities. Is it important to you to know someone’s gender? Does someone’s gender impact how you relate to them? What are your feelings about people whose gender identity falls outside the female/male binary? 

One example of the journey occurred in a Quaker book group where we discussed gender. One Friend adamantly said there are only two genders. Later that year, their grandchild informed them that they were transgender. This Friend began a journey of understanding gender that went beyond the binary that they had learned and that our culture teaches. Today this Friend is comfortable respecting the gender identity of other people. 

We now know that gender is a continuum rather than a binary. To understand a person’s gender identity, we need to look beyond their body presentation. We also need to understand that what is true for one person may not be true for another who identifies the same way. 

There are many gender identities. Gender identity is the experience of the individual about their gender, regardless of their body presentation. Cisgender is when the gender of one’s body matches the gender one experiences as their true self. Transgender is when one’s body does not match one’s gender identity and the person changes how they present. Nonbinary is when a person experiences a gender that is beyond the female/male dichotomy. For some people this is a neither/nor experience (the identity is neither female nor male) and these people may use they/them pronouns. Genderfluid is when someone identifies neither as solely female or male but experiences each identity. While there are many gender identities, the label may be less important than seeing each person for who they are. 

Pronouns (she/her/hers and he/him/his) reflect a culturally defined gender identity. Pronouns such as they/them or ze/zer are used by people for whom the culturally defined gender pronouns create internal dissonance. When we use pronouns that do not align with someone’s gender identity a person may feel unseen or worse. When we as a community identify our pronouns (in check-ins or in zoom windows, etc.) we are recognizing and creating a norm that there is a continuum of gender identities. When the norm is not to identify pronouns, then there is a burden on those with gender nonconforming identities to self identify, which contributes to a sense of marginalization. We can contribute to being a loving community by identifying our pronouns and respecting the pronouns others use to reflect their gender identity. 

Recently I was accompanying someone who referred to themselves as a pronoun-unhappy person. As we spoke they reflected on the way that when someone used she to refer to them it caused harm. By the end of the conversation this person became clear to use they/them as the pronouns that most closely fit their gender identity. Using they/them does challenge some English grammar rules; however our language does not have other gender neutral pronouns. Perhaps one day our language will evolve to have gender neutral pronouns. In the meantime, it is important to the wholeness of our community to not dismiss gender identity.

As Quakers, we believe in seeing that of God in everyone. This asks us to see and respect the gender identity of all. Gender identity is a journey. The invitation to all of us is to learn and to recognize the Divine in all, regardless of gender identity and gender expression.